Demacratic primary family reunion
Next Tuesday is the New Hampshire Primary. We just finished the Iowa Caucus on Monday and it was a pivotal moment for the Democrats in 2020. With the results we have now, Pete Buttigieg appears to have the lead in delegates, while Sanders leads slightly in the popular vote. To help sort these candidates out, I spend a lot of digital time with them, learning about their issues and reading news of their candidacies each day; and therefore, each candidate has begun to take on some sort of familial role. These roles that I have grown to see them in are fairly stereotypical, as there are always members of a family that fit easily into well-worn tropes. So without further ado, here is my Democratic Presidential Primary Family for 2020:
Joe Biden is the cool uncle. He is the uncle that takes you to get ice cream as a kid, the one that will give you a beer at a family party before you turn 21. He was the first family member that you heard swear, and he has the coolest friends (sometimes people even prefer that friend to him). You have always enjoyed your time with him and look back on your interactions with him fondly. This was your favorite uncle when you were a kid.
Bernie Sanders is your weird uncle. He is the one your parents tell you to keep your distance from at family reunions. You know a little bit about him from your parents. He was a hippie in his youth and was almost certainly at Woodstock. He is the uncle that will offer to smoke a joint with you before it is legal. He looks back on the seventies with fond memories; he protested the Vietnam War when he was in college. But when you talk with him, he just sounds plain weird and a little bit unhinged.
Amy Klobuchar is your aunt- that is, your boring aunt. She shows up to family parties and is pretty close with your mom. You are always respectful and pleasant to her but never strive to get to know her. This is the aunt that will always give you money on your birthday but in a too-serious birthday card.
Elizabeth Warren was the hardest for me to give a role to. But that being said Elizabeth Warren is your grandmother. She is very vocal and passionate about whatever issue she is talking about. She comes to all your school events wearing a shirt that says number one grandma. She will also cheer the loudest at your sporting event, even if it disrupts the game. She makes you food whenever you come over, and even if you’re not hungry you have to eat it.
Pete Buttigieg is your smart cousin. He is the family member that all others are compared to. His parents love to remind everyone at the family reunion how he went to Harvard. They also love to remind everyone how much he is getting paid at his new job. When your parents are mad at you they ask “Why can’t you be more like him; he is so smart and successful.” Despite all of that, he is one of your favorite cousins because he is the one of the nicest in the family, and would rather focus on talking about anything besides his job or his school.
Andrew Yang is your geeky cousin (He has made being stereotypically nerdy a central part of his campaign). He is nice, but don’t get into a long conversation with him because he has strong opinions on Star Wars or Star Trek (you can’t remember which but don’t tell him that) and he is ready to talk about those opinions at length. He is as smart and successful as your smart cousin, but you remember him more for his nerdy qualities. He is always wearing something that expresses his love for MATH. (MATH being his actual slogan, Make America Think Harder).
In all seriousness, elections are important, even primary elections. If you don’t vote, then we end up with the two most unpopular candidates in our nation’s history. If you think your vote won’t matter, you’re wrong. Not because of your literal individual vote, but because of your mindset. Who knows, maybe this will change who you spend time with at your next family function.
William Stefanism - Contributing Writer